#5 It was Acceptable in the 80s (and 90s) Part II

#5       It was acceptable in the 80s (and 90s): Part 2 

Born in the 80s? Or not too far either side? You might just remember a few more of these…

1.       All the gear and no idea. Or pony.

If, like me, you were starved of a pony of your own by your dream-crushing parents (yes, you might have had most other things you wanted, but no way José to the pony), then it might have made you feel a little better having bits of kit you didn’t really need. One of the best Christmas presents I ever received – aside from a set of glorious Fashion Star Fillies – was my own grooming kit. No more ‘own a pony week’ riding holidays spent digging around for a battered body brush that Susan had just filled with enough grey fuzz from Snowy to stuff a couch with, oh no. My very own, very organised, bright red grooming tidy, containing:

·         1 x red hoof pick

·         1 x red dandy brush

·         1 x red and blue body brush – with the rainbow-striped handle

·         1 x red plastic curry comb

·         1 x metal curry comb with green leather strap

·         1 x red plastic mane comb

·         1 x strapping pad/cloth – does anyone even do this still?!

·         1 x face sponge

·         1 x bum sponge

·         1 x hoof oil brush

·         1 x ‘No, you are not having hoof oil, you’ll spill it.’

2.       Unwarranted safety fears

Paranoia out hacking grew from two main seeds, planted by those bastard pony magazines I spent all my time reading:

1.       “I don’t have any baler twine, a hoof pick or a 10 pence piece for the phone. What if something happens?”

It mattered little that I was with two instructors, three helpers and about 15 other riding school pupils.

2.      Whips with handles. Initially, these seemed really nifty, but once you’d read that somewhere out there, there was a bush just waiting to grab the end of your whip, drag you off by the wrist and eat you whole, the scissors soon came out and your new whip was ruined. Whips with two little stumps where their handle used to be must surely have been in everyone’s cupboards at some point in time.

3.       Weather hazards

1.     Ice: Attempting to stay on your feet at the water trough in icy conditions, wearing jodhpur boots with no grip was no laughing matter. Unless you were the person watching someone else sprinting on the spot, boots slapping against the ice with their face getting closer and closer to the ground. Then it was pretty funny.

2.     Rain: The perfect excuse to be told to clean the entire contents of the tack room, on a yard with around 40 horses. No shortcuts. Tack taken to pieces, damp sponge, saddle soap sponge, oil sponge, Silvo for metal. And doing it happily all afternoon with the radio playing.

3.     Sun: Several pitfalls here. Firstly, twat tans. Including milk bottle legs, chest ‘V’, a white halo where your hat (or Adidas cap) had been sitting and thick white ‘strap’ marks where you’d rolled your t-shirt sleeves up and tucked them under your bra (or vest). Secondly, the little bastards in black and yellow suits, intent on stinging you for your Dairylea triangle sandwich/Dairylea Stackables/Dairylea Dunkers/caramel Rocky Robin.

Thirdly, the dust. If it hadn’t formed you a perfect new Des Lynam/Kevin Keegan/Bruce Forsythe-style 'tache, then it was certainly coming out of your nose for approximately three blows once you got home.

4.       TV highlight of the week

Tuesdays, 4/5pm, C4: If Wishes Were Horses 

You might remember the catchy theme tune:

“When you’re feeling kinda low,

You can always be sure they’re there,

They will cheer you up I know,

You can always be sure they care.

When you’re cleaning tack,

When you’re moving muck,

When you’re doing all your chores,

Still you’re having fun,

You don’t seem to mind,

Coz you know you and your horse are friends,

Friends, friends,

You’re friends.

The ironic bit about these opening credits was the pony being an absolute twat right on the ‘You can always be sure they care’ line. Click the link for a giggle – you can thank me later.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmwyH0g4k3I

5.       Annual sporting events

And to cap this instalment off, I’d just like to give a shout-out to anyone else who has ridden round Hickstead or Aintree. You might have been on a backwards-facing dining chair, wearing your hat, carrying your whip and using your mother’s handbag strap for reins, but you rode it damn well. Be proud.